May be life would have been 'better', may be I would have grown up into a different woman, may be my opportunities would have been different, may be my mother would not have to work as hard as she does, who knows. But I never at any one moment sit and build castles in the air picturing what it would be like to have 'dad' in my vocabulary (It's not a word I am very familiar with) or to come back home to a big daddy hug. I have seen people with awesome fathers and instead of the wishful thinking, my only thought is-good for them. Could it be that I just can't miss something I don't know?
This was an indicator to me that single mothers can actually fully fill that daddy void and they don't even know it. Since no woman (but a few) makes it their life goal to be a single mom, there is no black and white formula as to how the daddy gap can be filled. The love that naturally flows from that maternal cup and the realization that your child has only you does the job.
At ours, we did not have so much. My mother was always picking ideas here and there on how to make ends meet. We now joke about the hard times we had. I ask her how she did it. She also has no idea when she looks back. She was a little tough and rules were to be followed (even if I was a crazy one) because she knew she had to handle this in any way she possibly could. There was a joy that always surrounded our single-parent-home. We played and enjoyed things like any other children. And we turned out fine.
Many single mothers on forums all over the internet curse absent fathers, forcefully try to drag unwilling fathers into their children's lives. They feel it's better to have that 'father' in whatever form he comes, that is, abusive, irresponsible, unsupportive, than to have their child 'fatherless'. I understand it, now that I am a mother, seeing what joy my husband gives my son. Stop whining, get up and dance to the music. He is absent for a reason.
Focusing so much on the absence of the father, you miss out on filling the gap he left. And, the negativity rubs off on the little ones. Single mothers should instead make time for their children a midst all the hustle and bustle, be involved in their lives, bond with them. They have just you to do it anyway. Good father figures like uncles can also be a great influence on your child, try and give them that male someone they can look up to. Choose wisely!
Time to look on the bright side ladies. Children brought up by single mothers have responsibility to themselves and a self drive to do things like no other. They are strong and thrive so well through difficulties. They know mummy is working hard to make ends meet and she is doing it on her own so they have to make it worth while. They usually feel the need to give back to their mothers who have single-handedly been there to support their financial, emotional, and any other needs. This is such a motivation for them to be the best they can be. We all know not all present fathers are good daddies. So who knows, his being away could have been good riddance to bad rubbish after all. A one parent happy home is better than a two parent one that is always in conflict. Children derive a lot of positive and negative vibes from the environment they grow up in. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not easy to put a positive spin on your situation when you are making so many sacrifices to deliver the best parenting you can but there are bonuses to enjoy from single parenthood. Use the chance to form an even closer relationship with your children.
There's no denying that there is the dark side. The psychological effects so-called studies have found. The strain on you to deliver the best for your child with no extra help can easily divert your energy away from your children hence forgetting to provide the necessary attention. Builds up a lot of stress too.It's in your hands to try and drive these as far away from your home as possible. Create a loving home, build their esteem so that they don't feel like other children have something more special than them. Be a good example, your children are looking up to you and only you. Don't go around bashing men, telling your children how terrible all of them are, including their father. You must be honest about the reasons their father is not in their lives but highlight that there are many wonderful daddies out there. This is especially if you have daughters, you don't want them having 'daddy issues' in their future relationships. If you choose to date again or remarry, choose men that are going to be a good father figure to your children, not just one that satisfies your needs.
Don't be so afraid to mess up. Even children with fathers in their lives go astray. Just be the best mother you can be.
Ask me what I would do if I had a chance to turn back time and have a father in my life? I'd leave things just the way they are. I'd only sneak in a father-daughter dance on my wedding day, haha. It has always made me teary with its beauty.
I may be not have everything I want or hoped for but I am grateful with how my life played out with a single mom. She may not have done everything right (no parent does) but she did and is still doing an incredible job that I can never be able to repay her for no matter how much I tried. I developed a sense of maturity way above my age and it prepared me for the real world way faster than many people I know from two-parent homes.
The ideal home with both parents is great and everyone should give it their best shot but if it doesn't happen, embrace the uniqueness of single parenting.
Cheers to all the strong women who are not playing victim but standing up and dealing with it.
LT
This is such an inspiring post! I don’t think there’s anything wrong about being a single mom. It’s not a matter of who’s filling in whom, but taking all the responsibilities on their own. And I admire your mother for being such a great woman, as she was able to raise an amazing child like you.
ReplyDeleteCarlos Strey @ The Bridge Across
Good point Carlos. Thank you.
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