This may not be a very popular point of view especially for a first time mother. Some other people will think you are selfish and self centred. We are made to believe that craving to spend some time away from our children means we are lacking a mommy gene somewhere. I know mothers who brag about how they cannot be away from their children in a way that suggests that this makes them better mothers. No it doesn't my dear. Now I know depending on our personalities, some women will feel just fine spending long hours, even days away from their children. Others on the other hand will be more emotional about it. We all know that mother who breathes and lives her children and that's fine. This doesn't in any way make the latter mother better than the former.
Studies have actually shown that quantity of time parents spend with their children does not have as much effect on how they turn out as the quality of this time. And how are you going to improve the quality of time with your child? By taking a breather to let out the fatigue and stress that accumulates over time as we mind our little ones. A little change of atmosphere does wonders.
When I got back from my spa day, my son rushed to the door and gave me the warmest hug ever. My 11 months daughter crawled at the speed of light towards me and clung to my feet. I was refreshed and rejuvenated. We missed each other so much. We often miss the intensity of moments like this when you are with the kids every single minute of every single day. Sometimes you're too tired or 'overdosed' on these cuddles you don't return them with as much passion. My body was now ready to start the routine all over again with new energy. I take a time out every now and then from my kids, even just a couple of hours to think without a toddler coming to me asking to do a poo every 5 minutes. Time to do things out of my home that are not related to the kids or my partner. You get to rest or do whatever it is that may interest you as a person.
A few months ago I went back home to Uganda for 2 months without my husband. Someone asked me, 'how are you going to thrive without him?'. She said she could never be away from her longterm boyfriend more than the hours they are both at work. I found this actually unhealthy. Ps. Not judging.
First of all, there is no way two random adults can have exactly the same interests every single moment. I remember when we had just moved in together with my then boyfriend here in Italy, I used to take him with me to the cinema for Engish movies that show once week. I found out about a year later over drinks with another friend that he was not enjoying our movie dates as much as I thought he was or at least as much as I did. From that day on, English movie night became my night to get out and do something that interests me as Linda. On other days, he goes out and does things he likes too that I don't enjoy that much. So we need to make time to do things that excite us as individuals out of the relationship. I know it's important for couples to spend time together, create memories and share moments. You have a whole lifetime for that.
Back from our 2 months trip, it was so damn refreshing seeing my husband. We had broken the monotony of being in each others face all the time. We understand more what we mean to each other while apart. Little things we take for granted, right?
Do not feel guilty for wanting to be away from your children and partner every now and then. Life can get busy between work, taking care of a home and this virtual world too thanks to social media. We get lost in all of it and forget what it means to be alone. Time alone is necessary for your wellbeing.
You just have to find how and when to do it that works for you. Some partners may not like the idea of taking time off so you need to nicely negotiate this time alone by showing them how necessary it is. It can be just a few hours where you shut out the noise and reflect on your life.
When you stay around your children and partner for so long, they literally live in your head. I spend my day thinking what they are going to eat, what time my husband gets home, what plans we have for the weekend, are they eating enough vegetables. I am left with little time to think about me. My brain is too congested with the daily activities anyway that there's no room to think out of the home. That is when you need to carve time away from all of it and rejuvenate. This helps you not to build up resentment from not having time to yourself. It gives you room to nurture your physical, spiritual and emotional needs. You have an identity outside motherhood and being someone's partner.
Go work out the logistics involved like getting babysitters, throw out the guilt, your children and partner will be fine without you. Get that time out so you can clear your head, regroup and get back in a much better mood.
You don't think you need this? Try it and thank me later.
LT
