Moving To Italy| Visa, Cultural Shocks, Learning The Language, Settling In.

Take time away from him and the kids

For my birthday few weeks ago, the parents in law gave me a full day spa experience treat. It did not include my husband and I was glad it did not. I know how selfish that must sound. I'm supposed to want to spend every minute I breath with my love, huh. The best part, I got to spend the whole day away from my adorable babies. There's a mother out there thinking, 'how dare she admit to that?' Mummies are supposed to want to watch their kids take every single breath of their lives and sulk if they have to be away from them for a while. False.

This may not be a very popular point of view especially for a first time mother. Some other people will think you are selfish and self centred. We are made to believe that craving to spend some time away from our children means we are lacking a mommy gene somewhere. I know mothers who brag about how they cannot be away from their children in a way that suggests that this makes them better mothers. No it doesn't my dear. Now I know depending on our personalities, some women will feel just fine spending long hours, even days away from their children. Others on the other hand will be more emotional about it. We all know that mother who breathes and lives her children and that's fine. This doesn't in any way make the latter mother better than the former.
Studies have actually shown that quantity of time parents spend with their children does not have as much effect on how they turn out as the quality of this time. And how are you going to improve the quality of time with your child? By taking a breather to let out the fatigue and stress that accumulates over time as we mind our little ones. A little change of atmosphere does wonders.

When I got back from my spa day, my son rushed to the door and gave me the warmest hug ever. My 11 months daughter crawled at the speed of light towards me and clung to my feet. I was refreshed and rejuvenated. We missed each other so much. We often miss the intensity of moments like this when you are with the kids every single minute of every single day. Sometimes you're too tired or 'overdosed' on these cuddles you don't return them with as much passion. My body was now ready to start the routine all over again with new energy. I take a time out every now and then from my kids, even just a couple of hours to think without a toddler coming to me asking to do a poo every 5 minutes. Time to do things out of my home that are not related to the kids or my partner. You get to rest or do whatever it is that may interest you as a person.

A few months ago I went back home to Uganda for 2 months without my husband. Someone asked me, 'how are you going to thrive without him?'. She said she could never be away from her longterm boyfriend more than the hours they are both at work. I found this actually unhealthy. Ps. Not judging.

First of all, there is no way two random adults can have exactly the same interests every single moment. I remember when we had just moved in together with my then boyfriend here in Italy, I used to take him with me to the cinema for Engish movies that show once week. I found out about a year later over drinks with another friend that he was not enjoying our movie dates as much as I thought he was or at least as much as I did. From that day on, English movie night became my night to get out and do something that interests me as Linda. On other days, he goes out and does things he likes too that I don't enjoy that much. So we need to make time to do things that excite us as individuals out of the relationship. I know it's important for couples to spend time together, create memories and share moments. You have a whole lifetime for that.

Back from our 2 months trip, it was so damn refreshing seeing my husband. We had broken the monotony of being in each others face all the time. We understand more what we mean to each other while apart. Little things we take for granted, right?

Do not feel guilty for wanting to be away from your children and partner every now and then. Life can get busy between work, taking care of a home and this virtual world too thanks to social media. We get lost in all of it and forget what it means to be alone. Time alone is necessary for your wellbeing.
You just have to find how and when to do it that works for you. Some partners may not like the idea of taking time off so you need to nicely negotiate this time alone by showing them how necessary it is. It can be just a few hours where you shut out the noise and reflect on your life.
When you stay around your children and partner for so long, they literally live in your head. I spend my day thinking what they are going to eat, what time my husband gets home, what plans we have for the weekend, are they eating enough vegetables. I am left with little time to think about me. My brain is too congested with the daily activities anyway that there's no room to think out of the home. That is when you need to carve time away from all of it and rejuvenate. This helps you not to build up resentment from not having time to yourself.  It gives you room to nurture your physical, spiritual and emotional needs. You have an identity outside motherhood and being someone's partner.

Go work out the logistics involved like getting babysitters, throw out the guilt, your children and partner will be fine without you.  Get that time out so you can clear your head, regroup and get back in a much better mood.

You don't think you need this? Try it and thank me later.

LT

Airport musings

Since childhood airports have been a special place for me. Way before I ever got on a plane. First were the airport dropoffs and pickups that for some reason were the highlight of any holiday season. The airport mood was always a thrill. Right from the time we left the house to the time the plane flew off the runway. Also, I have always had a traveler's heart so I knew airports would someday be my favorite 'hangout'.

The hubby and I were in a long distance relationship for a while in our dating days. In this period, airports grew on me even more. It was the place we first saw each other after many weeks of being apart. The warmth of those hugs and kisses was breathtaking, literally. It is where our vacations would commence. We would meet halfway at some airport and take it from there. Exciting times! Unfortunately it was also the place for goodbyes.

There's an indescribable mystery that surrounds airports. You can be anyone, going anywhere. I love to sit and watch people then create them a life story and destination. I have quite a few good friendships that started at an airport. It's a famous birthplace of modern romance, and who doesn't enjoy a good love story. I know I do.

A few years ago I was on one of my travels, dressed in a cute, white, floral dress, chic purse in my hands, wearing deep red lipstick with my big sunglasses on. I sat in one of the bars at the airport sipping a mojito as I waited for my connecting flight. You could smell the glitz that surrounded me from miles away. That's the only way I knew how to appear for my airport dates, in style.

Few sips into my drink and I'm woken out of my daydream by a mother dragging her toddler off the floor. He rolled and tossed down there like he had ants marching all over his body. The desperate mother begged, shouted, bribed and pulled all those other tricks you mothers already know to try and get him to move before they missed their flight but all was in vain. I silently gave her the side eye thinking 'tame your child woman'. She on the other hand looked at me with eyes that seemed to say 'I envy you right now but don't you dare judge me'. The battle between mother and what seemed like a 2 year old son went on for a while until she managed to lift him off the floor and hold him tightly to her body along with the hand luggage she was already carrying.

First forward to not so long ago, I was that woman. Airports currently give me shivers. The like you get when you're waiting for that line(s) to show on a pregnancy test for a pregnancy you're not ready for. They make me nervous, anxious, angry, sweaty, thanks to my younglings. Traveling with my little kids has had me throw out all that glamour I mentioned earlier. If I could go back and apologise to that woman for giving her the 'what kind of mother can't keep her kid in check' look, I would. I now know exactly what emotions she was going through at that point. She probably hated me the same way I hated the lady that swayed past me carrying (only) a gucci clutch the size of my wallet, browsing through the magazines in the duty free shops with a relaxed air on her face that I would trade my kids for at that point in time.

Setting off with my younglings

I was dressed like I was ready to hit a marathon. Black leggings to cover the inevitable spills of food and milk. Sneakers to easily run after my little monster.  Loose, dark coloured top because I am guaranteed a lot of sweating. Don't ask me what is in that bag I am carrying. Just picture what you would pack for two small kids if you had just 5 mins to exit your house. Everything. Oh and make sure you don't forget that favorite toy or you're in for a massive tantrum. I will not go into the numerous luggage checks where I had to load and offload everything I had on me including the baby. That's a story for another day.

My son cooling off on the airport floors

That was the experience from my most recent travel with a 7 months old baby and vibrant 2.5 years old toddler from Europe to Africa and back. I promised myself not to do it again without extra hands until they are a little older. So I'm hoping to pull off at least half of my old sophisticated airport look on the next travel.

I feel like I had a breakup with a long time lover (read airport) and I want them back. I need to rekindle those pleasant tingles I got when I stepped into the airport lobby. That calls for a vacay (without the kids), right?

LT

Life away from my African home

I remember when we were kids someone getting on the plane to go abroad was such a big deal, a milestone. It didn't matter what they went to do out there. Tour, work, study. The fact that they were going 'outside countries' was huge. The whole family went to the airport to see them off. They would later send pictures in the heaps of snow (yes, the snow looks really cool when you're from a tropical country), strolling clean streets, shopping in glamorous malls, eating 'exotic' foods. This left us longing for the experience even more. It was just like we watched it in the movies.  Life must be so great out there, they sure never yearn to get back home, or even miss it at all, we believed.
When they returned, they almost smelt and looked different from just living abroad. We looked foward to the stories and foreign goodies. It was all so dreamy and still is for many people.

Fast forward, I am now that friend or relative from overseas. When I go back home, I want to explain to my people that those movies had us fooled, haha. It's not all so cute like we pictured it when you actually live out here. Forget a few days of tour and travel. Those are sure exciting. I cannot forget my first visits overseas. Memories were made.
But I want to tell my people that the exotic cuisine gets old. We crave for that local African food we cared so little about. Walking the clean, organised streets can be lonely with no familiar faces,  everyone in a rush and minding their own business. No one has time for small talk. You don't have relatives in every street corner ready to have your back any time you need a shoulder to cry on. You don't go around dropping at friends and relatives doorsteps unannounced just because you feel like a good laugh or a free meal. Someone the other day told me about a friend who has to make an appointment to see her parents who live in the same city. Talk about cultural differences.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life here. I live in Milan, a metropolitan city that resonates perfectly with my personality. The more of Italy I see, the more I fall in love with it. I feel like a tourist everyday. Learning the language and being able to communicate easily immerses me even deeper into the country. Italians are also very vibrant people, there's never a dull moment.
Coming from a third world country, there's definately a lot to enjoy and get used to in the developed world. Good infrastructure, advanced health care, advanced transort system, accessibility to many of the products we pay an arm and a leg for back home and this is great.

Europe is my home now. With my Italian family and children here, I have a special attachment to it. But when I go back to my other home, my birth home, what I often call my 'real' home, Uganda, it's a breath of fresh air. You know that feeling you get when you have a very cold drink after a long hot day? It's the kind of refreshment I get when I am in Uganda. When I dig into my african cuisine, dance to my local jams with company that understands and enjoys them as much as I do. And, oh the weather!

Interesting enough, after a few weeks of visiting, I start to miss my European home. I complain about this and that. I grumble about the things I could have done much easier if I were in Europe. I seem to notice the things that need to be improved more than the people who have to live with them everyday. I even lament about the scorching tropical sun on a really hot day and miss the European spring and autumn. Then when I am back to Italy, I get terribly homesick and feel like I need to go back where I belong. It's a vicious circle.

It's safe to say I just want the best of both worlds. If there was a way I could piece together my two homes, life would be perfect. But there is no such things as perfect, right?

LT

Women who never want to have kids

Lately I have been stumbling on a lot of articles about women with no children getting sterilized. Some as young as 25 years. Most readers think it is a step too far for a woman who has never had kids to take. The fear being that she will regret it later (because at some point EVERY woman is expected to crave a child). But is it not possible for a woman to know for a fact that they never want to have children and those sentiments remain exactly the same later on in life? It doesn't mean they hate kids. Some could even make more awesome mothers than people who actually have kids. They just don't want to have any of their own.

For the longest time I, like many other people felt motherhood is a natural desire for every woman. A sort of calling, even if the maternal instinct is more alive in some than others. So when a woman says she NEVER wants to have kids, she's most likely to going be harshly judged by society. Like, what's her problem? What a self centered human being! She must be battling some psychological issues.

It was not after I became a mother that I started to understand why some women are more than glad to say NO to this job. Weird as that may sound. It still puzzles me just a little but that is probably because from the moment we are born, especially where I come from, girls are nurtured to become mothers, no questions asked.
Parenting is hard, exhausting, costly and tests you to your furthest limit. You come from being your best to your worst in a span of just minutes. No, seconds. They say it gets easier, no it doesn't. Every stage comes with a new challenge. And to think, with my kids both under three, I still have so much to deal with ahead of me. Not forgetting the toll it takes on your body physically. I see why someone out there would not want to sign up for that if it's really up to them.

When at some point in your life you give in to that maternal impulse and have a child, you have chosen to be a slave for the rest of your life.
Yes, a happy slave. Giving up things you care about like school, work. Being constantly nagged by little human beings. Spending your days covered in drool and baby milk. Fatigue becomes a part of you from waking up several times a night to running after the little ones. Sacrifices are continuously being made. Someone else's well being is more important than yours.
Remember that money you used to spend on travels? Well, now it's covering the piano lessons, the nanny and whatever else your child needs. Everything they do even much later on in life when the  diaper days are long gone affects you.  You still spend sleepless nights worrying about them. How they are performing at school, who their friends are, what they are eating, who they are talking to, who they are dating, what work they are doing. It never ends.
Oh and you get no compensation, no medal for the effort at the end of the day.

It may sound selfish for a woman to say out loud they don't want none of that. To feel that their freedom matters more than this life long commitment. And maybe it is. But that's allowed. Or at least should be. We have all been selfish at some point in our lives and looked out for ourselves and only ourselves. Having children you feel nothing for and will have no interest in raising just to impress people who won't help you bring them up sounds selfish to me. We know many women who have kids because they 'have to' not because they WANT TO. Women who don't have the tinniest pinch of the mother gene but still have children because they are expected to. I mean ''what will people think?''.
I'd rather the honest ones that are open about the fact that motherhood is not cut out for them and choose not to make an innocent child suffer the misery of being brought to this already difficult world unwanted.

These women choose their sanity over this motherhood bliss they only hear about.
You see, it's hard to explain to someone without children that at the end of the day it's all worth it (so cliché, I know). Which part? When they finally grow up and leave you to grow old alone while they start their own families? Haha. Some women might not think the joys of motherhood are all that anyway. They have never experienced it, they have no real idea how special its impact is, so I am slow to judge them for their stance on the idea.

The way I feel about my children, the meaning they bring to my life, the warmth they shower my heart with even when my spirits are low, the look they give me, the hugs, the smiles, the tears are all irreplaceable. A sensation so strong, I wish it on anyone who is in touch with their feelings.
The sense of contentment, sweet emotion that comes with the financial, physical and emotional strain plus the rest of the 'baggage', I wouldn't trade for anything.
This is not something someone looking in from the outside can understand. You cannot explain it but only be experienced. I literally stare at my children every day and know I would choose to be a mother over and over again.
I am willing to stay in this 'prison' and bear all the implications that come with the title (mother) for the rest of my life if I can have this feeling forever.

But that's me. Women out there who are genuinely happy without this bliss should not be given the side eye. They should be left to enjoy the other things that fulfill them and bring them happiness with no guilt. There are as many good reasons not to have children as there are those to have them.

Feel free to share your honest opinion. I'll go back to breastfeeding now. Till next time, cheers.

LT

Dare to dream

If I told you my dreams and aspirations, many of you would secretly think I'm crazy. That's how insanely huge they are, they scare me too. I am not talking about images and thoughts that pass through our minds while we are asleep. I am talking about extravagant ambitions and plans that many would pass off as simply building castles in the air. Well, I am a self confessed dreamer and I believe in the validity of my dreams.

When Lupita Nyong'o came into the limelight after her very first film role in the movie '12 Years A Slave' earned her numerous awards, I thought, now there is a dream coming to life. But again  I thought: she is from an above average family, attended college in America, worked as part of the production crew for many films. So she was not that far off from her dreams. Her dream was more 'realistic' and reachable. Still, the speed and might with which she has climbed up that success ladder goes to show that you can never dream too big. Back when they called her ugly or looked down on her skin tone, who would have known she would be gracing covers of top magazines as one of the world's most beautiful woman!

Then came Aamito Lagum. She feels closer to my idea of 'against all odds'. From a humble background she manged to reach out for her dream and is now living it.
The Ugandan born model took a 12 hour bus drive to Kenya to audition for the first ever cycle of Africa's Next Top Model competition. She beat over 5000 girls, some with long modelling careers and made it to the finals where she later came out as the winner.

I met this young lady at a clothing store a couple of years ago where we had both gone to catch a sale. At that time if she told anyone (me inclusive) that she was going to be walking the 2015 New York, Paris, London, Milan fashion weeks, we would probably laugh before telling her to calm her dreams down, take a seat and have some tea. That's how harshly we invalidate our own dreams and those of others. We are too scared to even look in the direction of our ambitions because they shine so bright.
She is now based in New York signed to a top modelling agency and the success story continues.



Such stories and numerous others around us go to show how far we can get if we only dare to dream. The people who get to live their dreams have the same blood running through their veins like any of us. If they can, so can we.
Many times we rubbish our aspirations into the 'daydream trashcan' because we think they are too big to come true. Sometimes the people closest to us with whom we share them are the first ones to make us shy away from what could have been a living testimony.

To get there, it starts with refusing to stay where you are. Then, getting out to get what you feel belongs to you. You have to stick to it even when the light at the end of the tunnel seems so dim. Ignore the people laughing and mocking you. At the finish line, you will have the last laugh :-)

Please share with us some of your success stories. It's always inspiring.


Go get them happy people! Let's get dreaming.

LT

Pregnant and Fabulous

In the past pregnant women were expected to 'hide' their bumps. Wearing body hugging clothes, keeping up with fashion trends was odd and being sexy in this period was queer. To date, some people don't expect a pregnant woman to be that bothered about style. (At least we get a pass on a bad day. Which is very often, hehe)

Well, times have changed, trends keep coming in and out. Pregnant women can now look and feel as appealing as they did before getting knocked up without being given the side eye. You don't have to switch off your sense of style or shy away from events and settings that require you to dress up.

Some 'ordinary' women have left the fabulousity to celebrities who have a reputation to maintain.
Well guess what? Public figure or not, you can still get out of those buggy sweat pants, wear some make up, comb that shabby hair and rock those new curves. Go to the club, beach, weddings and look good while at it.

I know it's a bit of a task to think about looking stunning on the outside when you feel like crap on the inside. You will have be one of those women whose pregnancies are a walk in the park to keep up with it everyday. But, if your pregnancy is anything like mine (not that smooth), once in a while in between the mood swings, nausea, fatigue and numbers on the scales that seem to go up at the speed of light, you can still make an effort to look good. It helps to lift the spirits on the inside too.

Check out these pregnant women killing it. If they can, so can you.


YOLANDA loves her make up and pregnancy is not about to stop her from dolling that face up. The proud mother of four and upcoming beautician says you don't have to put on full face makeup everyday. Only if you're going out to a party or one of those feel-good days. But, mascara and lip gloss are a must even on a bad day.
She loves travelling and continues to do so during her pregnancies as long as she feels ok, which is also a good way to kill some of the time that can be a drag.
Her pregnancies are not easy. Morning sickness is all day sickness for her.
She gains between 25 and 30 kilograms in all her pregnancies but kept to normal clothes, in bigger sizes.
She wears a few maternity clothes towards the end when she gets really big.

DORAH who is expecting her second child, believes in remaining active during pregnancy. She goes about her usual routine normally like meeting clients, shopping, dining out. She shopped for her pregnancy clothes before she actually conceived and calls them the 'Diva mom outfits'.
She embraces everything that comes with bringing a child into the world including the rough first trimester she had. She is inspired by the fact that she's going to be a second time mom so still finds ways of looking sharp even when she is having a tough time.
In her words, 'Pregnancy is a 9 months opportunity to show a different you, so why not make the whole experience fashionable and fun?' She tries to get more rest, eat right and wants to make it as memorable an experience as she can.

Casual work day

Easy weekend

                 

Date night

BARBARA a stay-at-home mother of one likes to keep it simple but classy while she goes about her usual activities like school meetings, lunches with friends and dinner dates.
She manages to wear her pre-pregnacy clothes as she does not put on so much weight, thanx to eating healthy. When she does buy, she goes for stretchy clothes and body cons that are comfortable. These she can use even after the bump is gone. At home, you will find her in joggers and t shirts.
She wears little or no makeup but follows a strict regime of cleansing, toning and moisturizing. That explains her flawless pregnancy glow.

AGNES proves that you can still flaunt that bump in a bikini. Living in a country where it's nice and sunny all year through, outdoor activities are the norm and pregnancy shouldn't come in the way of it. She is still taking trips out of town to relax and spend time with loved ones. While at it, she busks in the sun rocking her two-piece bathing suits and has never felt sexier.

Putting on a lot of unexpected weight is one of the reasons why many women feel insecure and downplay their sense of style. I always feel like nothing fits right and keep changing from one outfit to another because all I see is bumps and humps. I have found black to be very slimming for me and makes those unwanted bulges less pronounced.

The new weight is no excuse not to shine mamas. You have to understand that your body has changed and find outfits that will flatter that new you. Did you know that there are styles that look better on pregnant women? You have only 9 months to enjoy them, make use of that time.

Look at these celebrities that got way out of their body sizes but still pulled off a great look.

Jessica Simpson in a gorgeous gown

Kim Kardashian in a simple dress accessorized with a chic coat

Personally I  never buy maternity clothes. For the most part I wear my old clothes that already had a loose fitting. When I can't squeeze into them anymore, I buy more or less the same style of clothes in bigger sizes.
Every once in a while when the mood is right, I get my hair done, face beat, get out and show off my bump. My esteem goes several notches up when I get compliments on my bump.

Cheers to all the pregnant ladies keeping it fabulous, feel free to share with us more tips on how to keep it tick while baking that little treasure. Off to 'enjoy' my third trimester.

LT