Living and surviving in a non-English speaking country

One of the greatest challenges I have had to face has been finding my independence and balance in a country that doesn't speak my first language, English, or any other languages I speak. It feels like being a child all over again or like being handicapped as you always need a translator or someone to do the talking for you. You find your self in a nervous state almost all the time until you are able to have a basic dialogue.

I have got lost several times and could barely ask for directions or even understand those that were given to me. I have made the wrong orders in restaurants as I gambled with the menu. I have missed road signs. Many times you will be misunderstood and might even say something offensive along the way. I remember once with my Italian in-laws, as I struggled to explain (in Italian) something about adding preservatives to food and they all burst out laughing, some with an embarrassed look on their faces. My husband then explained to me that 'preservativo', the word I tried to use to mean preservative actually means condoms. Haha.

My first visit to Paris was greeted with a waiter asking another one to serve us because we spoke English. I did not take it personally even if I did not think it was very polite. Maybe she wanted us to feel more comfortable hence letting someone who could communicate with us better take the tourists' orders. I kind of enjoy the whole 'special' tourist treatment I get when I speak English in the non English speaking countries. Some people get excited about English speakers because then they can practice their own English with you. But, it was after I permanently moved to Italy that reality of living in a non English speaking country hit me and it hit me hard. The whole tourist thing wears off and gets old when you actually live in the country even if you can still pull that tourist card once in a while like I do. However in shops and markets it comes with items being overpriced since they know you cannot haggle in the local language.

First language English speakers like myself often live in a bubble where we assume everyone speaks or should speak English by default. The first step to surviving in non English speaking country is to delete this assumption from your head. I have always loved learning new languages and I'd like to think I'm good at it. But, learning a language just for the love of it and learning a language to actually survive in a place in which you live are different.

Here are a few pointers I have found helpful along my journey.

• Don't expect people to speak English because it's a 'universal' language even if it is usually the first language they may try to use to communicate. You will come off as ignorant to some people.
• Learn the basic pleasantries like 'good morning', 'thank you', 'please' plus other useful phrases like ' where is the bathroom', 'can I have some water', 'I speak only English'. You may want to learn how to ask for directions too, very important.
• Make an effort to speak the language. When they see you TRY to speak, they will reciprocate by trying to understand you as much as possible.
• Use of body language. Get your hands, head and whatever else moving to make yourself understood where the words fail. Always works. 
• Be calm. It's inevitable to feel intimidated but keeping cool helps you communicate better. I have found that when I am nervous, even the little I know already seems to suddenly disappear and I just can't speak a word.

It's not that automatic to learn a new language just because you are living in the country where it's spoken like most people think. Many will live a country for years and not pick up the language spoken there. You have to have the interest and persistence to grasp it.

But I must say, learning a new language while in the country in which it's spoken is the best and quickest way to pick it up. You are forced to speak the language not necessarily out of choice but to be able to go through your normal daily routines so you are in constant practice.
It's a beautiful thing, as it comes with learning a new culture especially when you immerse yourself in the language. In Italy, I have learnt expressions with my hands and face that come along with the language. The downfall is, after a long while of living in a non English speaking country, your English is jeopardized, most times to a point of no return. It helps to have some friends who speak English also for your head relax a bit. Trust me, the brain works more than usual when you're trying to add a new language there, it can work you up.

The good news is that it gets better everyday and the feeling of accomplishment when you can finally express yourself is so good, you feel so liberated you forget how stupid you felt in the start.

LT

Preparing for death ahead of time

Death is a sad and scary thing to discuss but it's reality. I actually have chills writing this post. This year started off with quite a number of deaths in my family and around me. One thing many of them had in common, was the controversy surrounding the deceased's last wishes and division of their estates. How many of you have made your last wishes known to somebody ahead of time, anybody?

Until recently I assumed that it's only the elderly and wealthy that had to worry about planning for death way before it happens. People who had huge empires and estates to worry about or those whose death was obviously very close. I also reckoned that there are decisions that should be easy to make and obvious to those left behind and thus don't really need to be clearly pronounced by the deceased before hand. I continued to assume that even if the deceased does not say or write any last wishes, someone close to them surely knows what they could have wanted and would genuinely put it out there and have it done. I was so wrong.

You will be surprised how clueless the closest people to you are about how and what you would like to be done if you suddenly dropped dead. You don't believe me, try asking them now and see. This is mainly because we are so afraid to speak of the end of our life's journey, we ignore or forget to plan for it.

It's never to early for anyone to draft a will or let your last wishes be known to a trusted person. After all, death makes no appointment, it arrives in its own time, right? Some people may not have much in terms of wealth or have nothing specific they want to be done when they are gone. But, there are still some tiny, little details that would save the people you leave behind unnecessary disagreements plus time and energy pondering about, if you just mentioned something before. You may think it's all pointless since you won't be around anyway. Well, if you don't do it for yourself, it's a favor you do for the loved ones you leave behind who have to deal with all the
arrangements while you rest (hopefully in peace).



Some few things you may want to think about are;

• Your spiritual needs. How and where you want to be prayed for. 
• Funeral plans. Do you want to be buried or cremated? Where do you want to be put to rest?
• Personal details. For example, your children's custody if you have any. It may be obvious with whom they should stay, but you may have different preferences or concerns other people may not be aware of.
• Legal and financial business that needs to be taken care of. Say, house mortgage, unpaid debts.
• Giving powers of attorney to someone to deal with some issues on your behalf in case you can't speak or make decisions at the time of your death. 
• How you want to be dressed at your burial. I remember my late grandmother clearly said she wanted to be dressed in full white dress and jewelry. 

These among many other things that vary from person to person may seem simple and unimportant yet useful. You should also remember to keep updating this information from time to time in case circumstances change.

Good planning avoids conflicts, misunderstandings and maybe broken relations among the loved ones you leave behind, each of whom may feel they know best what you might have wanted. It puts a barrier to malicious people (who are always there) looking to benefit from someone else's death. It saves your loved ones time and hustle of  figuring out things you would rather have left known.
Importantly, proper advance planning on your part let's you literally rest in peace knowing it is all well, as it should be.

Someone once said 'There are no rules to death that you have to be old or sick to die. Therefore prepare for it.'

LT

My first valentine's date......that never happened.

This time of the year reminds of a story we still joke about with my sisters. The February right before my 18th birthday was supposed to be the month of my first valentine's date. Thanks to my mom, that never happened. Dressed up in full black, red scarf and clutch bag, I was ready to hit the road for an evening of wining and dinning. My date came to pick me up in a sleek black car with a bunch of beautiful roses, a box of chocolates, a golden necklace and bracelet. He had told me not wear any jewelry, he would take care of that. Romantic. right?


My mom was in her bedroom reading a book while me and my older sisters chatted away, getting ready for the evening. Little did I know I was to spend the next few hours in my bed sulking. My mom was a bit liberal and always let us go out as long as we told her where we were going and what time we would be back so I did not think Valentine's Day was any exception.

My date called me about a hour before the scheduled time and I told him I was all set. He told me it was going to be a night I will never forget, and indeed it was, hehe. My mom kept pacing through the corridors watching me clearly getting ready to step out but did not say a word. That confirmed to me that she was okay with me going out that evening.

Fresh makeup, nails done, hair set. My date calls me, he was at the gate 15 minutes earlier. So I tell him I will be out shortly. I say goodbye to my sisters and we wish each other a fantastic evening. Stepping out of the bedroom to get my shoes on before I go say goodnight to my mom, I bump into her in the corridor.
She has a surprised look on her face and goes, 'why are you all dolled up , going somewhere?'.
I put on a shy smile and reply, 'yes, me and the girls are going out'.
She shakes her head with that 'hmm' sound mothers like to make and responds, ' no you're not. Your older sisters have dates but you are staying home.'
I sheepishly giggle thinking she's joking. But the serious look on her face says it's no joke.
She had no idea there was someone already at the house to pick me up.

It was a couple of days before the first day of a new term so she reminded me that I had to do my last preparations before school, final shopping and packing up. I was joining a new boarding school after a long vacation and this school did not allow hair longer than an inch (talk about barbaric school rules). So she told me to get the fancy clothes off, start removing the braids in my hair since I had to cut it off early the next day. She did not give me a chance to say a single word. All this is happening while my date is outside waiting with a bunch of roses in his hands. I knew right then the evening I had planned for all day was not going to happen.

Panicking and upset, I went back to the bedroom and told my sisters what mom had just said. We started brainstorming ideas to go about the whole situation. Escape and deal with mom when I get back? Pretend to be at the neighbor's house for some hours? Lie to the guy that I have got a sudden stomach upset?
Minus missing out on what could have been a memorable day, how the hell was I going to deal with the embarrassment?
One of my sisters had to leave for her date so it was me and my other sister thinking of a quick solution. She also couldn't help laughing at me every other minute. We concluded that escaping was going to be a tough one, so we had to come up with a good excuse for my date without embarrassing myself.

I stepped out of the house, still dressed up and walked towards my date. He excitedly gave me a hug, handed me the roses and asked me if I was ready to go. I felt like I was chocking on a golf ball in my throat as I broke it down to him that I was 'suddenly feeling unwell' and couldn't go. He was so understanding but obviously disappointed. He asked me if we could sit a bit at the balcony so he could give me my gifts. He helped me wear the necklace and bracelet. In the meantime, I was peeping from the corner of my eye to make sure my mom does not see all this happening.
Being the youngest girl, I was a baby to her for a very long time. She couldn't picture her baby girl being taken out for the night by a guy, on Valentine's Day.

My date left and I quietly went back to the house. I watched my other sister go for her date as I removed the braids in my hair. I did not speak to my mom until much later the following day and that was the last 'date' we ever had with that guy. After that day, the friendship kind of slowed down.
I met him a few weeks ago after a very long time. It was the first time he heard the real truth about that evening. It was hard for him to believe I was grounded seconds away from my date. He thought I had just ditched him. We had a really good laugh.

What are some of those funny stories and experiences you have had on Valentine's Day?

The educated stay at home mommy

When you go through school, pay fees, work hard to excel, stay awake some nights to study, the next step expected is a great career to 'pay you back' for all the effort. Right?

Back in uni, my friends and I looked forward to the day we would complete our Bachelors In International Business and join the workforce. I remember we threw around job applications and networked throughout our final year. There was nothing else but that great career on our minds. Then it all changed when I became a mother. No, I did not lose my drive, my career dreams or my zeal to join the workforce, priorities simply changed, at least for now.


People often ask me how it is being a stay at home mom. What do you do ALL day? Many times it comes off as if I have more hours in the day than the 'working' mothers. Don't you get bored? What about your career? When are you going to work again? These are the kind of questions I am faced with from time to time.They wonder, why did you bother going to school if you did not plan to work? They feel like you are giving your partner a lot of 'power' over you. It feels as if they are looking down on you sometimes.  An aunt recently told me to FIGHT being a stay at home mother, haha.




First off, going to school is much more than that inflated paycheck when you start working. It's something you go through for knowledge, for awareness, for esteem, for networking, and gives you more options in life. I also look at it like an insurance against a bad turn of events. Say, if my partner could not afford to solely take care of the family anymore or at some point I feel my child doesn't need me closely attending to him anymore. My earlier obtained education would give me a starting point into the workforce.

How I spend my day? Running after my toddler, cleaning up after him, playing with him, taking him for walks, cooking for him, picking up toys all over the house over and over again, generally managing the household MYSELF. To some, that may not sound important or impressive enough like sitting at a desk taking business calls, or attending board meetings which I would most probably be doing. And yes, I also spend some time pampering myself and keeping fit if I get a breather from diaper duty.

Being an educated stay at home mom doesn't make my qualification any less. It doesn't make me weaker. I actually get to use some of the knowledge I acquired in my day to day life as a SAHM. Planning for the family, drawing budgets, and I look forward to inspiring and teaching my son a lot of what I studied too.
This is rewarding for me at this point in my life. I watched my son crawl for the very first time, I saw him learn to stand, I know exactly what he eats , when he eats it. Many 'working' mothers can only dream of this kind of experience.

Now this is not some sort of competition between the stay at home moms and the 'working' moms like it always seems. It's not a need to prove who has it better or to justify my current status. It's really a matter of choice and circumstances what path an educated mother takes on. Do you need the extra income? Do you need to be in the workforce to feel content? Do you find being a stay home mom more fulfilling? How does your partner feel about it? Whatever floats your boat should be respected.

As a SAHM, there are times you think of what could have been, how far up your career you could have reached in the time you have been at home, if the investment you made to go to school was useless. Just like there is no day that goes by in the life of a 'working' mother that she doesn't dream of playing with her young kids all day, cuddling on the couch with them while they nap in the afternoon or wondering if the care taker gave them the right meals at the right time.

In this era, motherhood may not be seen as a JOB (yes, it's a lot of work with no monetary value) worth staying home for. It may be seen as if you have given up your independence. So, yes, you are going to be judged for 'wasting' your education. You will feel anxious sometimes about the decision to stay home and it may be boring at times.
But it is so damn rewarding being there while your child knocks down those milestones, getting mad at them for messing up the clothes you just folded, teaching them the best you want them to be, you just can't put a price tag on it.

LT

Make every new year count, cheers to 2014!

Happy New Year!!!!! I know it's already February but it's my first post for the year. Been busy with family back at home, I do not know how January flew away so fast.
This year started off with a series of epiphanies for me. A mix of sad, happy, emotional events that came with so many lessons to learn. All the same, it was a great start to the year with my family and friends close to me.

I have heard many people say they gave up on making resolutions for the year because they never get to fulfill them, or the goals often change as they go through the year. I have continuously refused to follow this kind of thinking even when it makes sense to me sometimes. I feel that even if I don't fulfill some of the things I set out to do for the year, at least I have a sort of direction in which I am headed. I have motive.

Everyone needs a reason to scan through their lives, do a 'spring clean', rethink decisions, make new ones, press the refresh button in our lives, and what better time to do this than the beginning of a new year?

You may think there are no major goals to set so you might as well let the year just go by. You may be a believer in fate like me and believe things are going to happen in a certain way if they were already meant to happen that way. Maybe you have never fulfilled any new year resolutions so you don't see the point in making them over and over again. I totally get it, but still don't agree with it. There is always something to change in our lives. Most of the times you have to keep trying till it happens.

Well, here's what I am doing for 2014. I am looking into different aspects in my life: friends, family, behavior, habits, achievements, dreams, career to mention but a few. Then I am asking myself, are these things the way I want them to be? Are there ways I can  make them better? Are there new things I can add to make my life better or more fulfilling? Am I clinging onto things I should have let go of a long time ago, like broken relationships, dreams, disappointments? Then I am setting out to make changes in these areas.

I cannot be sure I will fulfill the changes I want to make, maybe I won't even go through with any by the end of the year. But I will go through the year knowing there are clean ups that need to be done. The longer I carry that load on my head, the more I will want to offload it and probably make those changes after all. A new year also gives you a definite time frame to accomplish things and this gives you motivation, the need to succeed at something you have set out to do.

This year, more than ever, I realized that we live so much in the 'could have been' while doing nothing about it. We hold onto so much unnecessary baggage that we ought to drop off. For example, could you be holding onto relationships even when it is clearly not working? Take this year as the year you come to terms with the fact that we can outgrow even the dearest of relationships and it's a normal thing so the clinging has got to stop. Are there things you have procrastinated for so long you have almost given up on them? Those extra pounds you have badly wanted to cut off for so long, that drivers permit test you keep reminding yourself you have to take but never go through with it, that old flame who constantly disrespects you and you know you need to cut them off but you keep taking them back.
Use every new year to keep refreshing your mind that these things have got to be done.

It's not too late to get thinking about those resolutions!!! Make the year count.

LT